The Only Thing that Separates Us from the Animals is our Ability to Accessorize

I was pretty apprehensive before I came down here, not about the area but about my job. My job is essentially the same, but I worried about the new environment and whether or not I would like the people. Specifically, my new boss. Understand that except for a month here and there, I haven't even had a boss since April of 2007. Now I'm going to a new location where the supervisor is, well, a little more perky than I would like. I met her a couple of times on other visits, and she bothered me. Don't get me wrong, she is a very, very nice person; it's just that she's a little too... holy for my taste. Now imagine her being tall and thin, with enormous boobs and gigantic hair. I can't actually make this up folks.

In my head I think of her as Bible Accessory Barbie. We can just call her BAB for short. By the way, BAB does Holy Yoga, because regular yoga is, you know... Hindu. You know that part in St. Elmo's Fire where the people around the dinner table whisper bad things during conversation like "cancer," because saying it aloud might make you get it? It was kind of like that.

Now, I meant what I said about BAB being a nice person. She is very, very nice. She also seems to be very, very narrow-minded the way most overly religious people are -- she automatically assumes that everyone she talks to has the exact same beliefs and doesn't think anything about talking freely to them about how much she loves the Lord. I mean, I loved the Lord once, too, but he wanted a commitment and I was just way too young for that; then he couldn't accept that it was just a fling and oh, the phone calls just wouldn't stop... where was I? Oh yeah. Narrow-minded.

Now, I'm not exactly in the deep south here, but I'm south enough to be able to get sweet tea wherever I go, and that means that we are in the Bible Belt. So no one here thinks that it's at all strange to have a company mission statement hanging up on several walls that contains the language "With God's Help." No one finds it at all unsettling that our boss forwards religious blog posts to the entire department with the message "God will help us on our way for he is Good and Great" or some drivel of that nature. Seriously, I'm not making this up.

I have many friends of many different religions. Religious people don't really bother me. It's people that are in your face with their religion ALL THE TIME that get on my nerves. Is that honestly the only dimension you have? It's like homosexuals that are ALL ABOUT their homosexuality 24/7: guys in assless chaps walking down the street wearing a rainbow vest with a big triangle on the back screaming "You go girl!" in some lispy high-pitched voice at every person with an ounce of fashion sense who crosses their path. They are the ones who give normal gay people a bad name. (Enrique especially will know what I'm talking about, because we ran into these people every Friday night at Woody's, and yes I am specifically talking about the twins, among others. I know you remember the twins.) I absolutely love gay people, they are the best people I know. I just don't need them to remind me every 10 minutes that they are, because I like them to relax and be themselves.

What I mean is, have some depth and think about your surroundings. I am not even a Christian, and this fact has not even occured to BAB. It hasn't even crossed her mind that I might believe differently about things, and that it would be respectful for her to consider that. Her automatic assumption that I am a bible thumping hymn singer is actually more offensive to me than the fact that she seems to have a stranglehold on the Good Book. It also bothers me that she is my supervisor and thinks absolutely nothing about bringing this into the workplace as though it were appropriate. It's actually a pretty severe violation of human resources guidelines, and I just have to shake my head.

All things considered, I'm enjoying my time there so far. It's kind of slow but there's certainly more work to do than there was the past couple of months in Jersey. The slow period allows me to learn their data entry system at a pretty decent pace. There is, however, a severe lack of individual expression permitted as far as my computer goes: I cannot change my desktop background, and am forced to look at the company logo and screen saver ALL DAY LONG. Internet access does not exist except to visit three company approved websites. Web surfing is just something people talk about in whispers over by the water cooler. I'm forced to use Internet Explorer for those three approved sites because they won't permit me to have Firefox. Basically, I am DYING because the boss can abuse company policy by sending me religious emails and I CAN'T CHANGE MY FRIGGING BACKGROUND to my Bioshock wallpaper. Is nothing sacred???


Anonymous said...

Well,HELLO MY Friend,

Guess Who this is? My 1st time writing in one of these things.

I know we just met ,right before you moved & I am very happy we did. I find it very interesting that your Boss does this ( religion stuff) It's amazing that if anything,they won't allow it in schools, but in the workplace it fine.

My advice for you.....I was raised a Roman Catholic & attended Catholic School for over 12 years. I have my own personal beliefs in God, that I have gained through my years experience, not all of them are agreed with the CATHOLIC CHURCH, but I would never push them on other people, let alone people I work with.


I do not agree with everything you feel as far as the bible belt is concerned, I think some people down their would like it to be a string, rather than a belt !!! LOL

I would mention it to your Boss & inform her that it is a lack of respect sending e-mails , or expressions all over the work place about God & Religion. How would a Jewish Person feel? Most likly the same way. Stick up for your rights as a co worker, I highly doubt when you signed your contract for the new job it said in writing " YOU MUST CARRY A BIBLE IN YOU HANDS AT ALL TIMES. ARE YOU WORKING FOR THE LORD, OR A PUBLISHING COMPANY? You tell me.

I highly doubt you have pushed your love of Poe on people ????





Cahoonee said...

First things first - you are a phenomenal writer. You should be working for a newspaper or a magazine (maybe you do, I’m not sure ).
Your boss sounds like the stereotypical bible thumping idiot who often misinterprets the good book. People like this WILL judge you, even though the Bible specifically says to leave that to God himself. Therefore, my advice would be to keep your feelings about her use of religion in the workplace to yourself, or she will ensure that YOU are living in hell on earth for at least 8 hours a day. Yeah, it is annoying and an intrusion on your civil rights. But emails are easy to delete and comments are easy to shrug off. What would be more difficult for you is to deal with the stress of her bitchy attitude toward you and her gossip about you around the office if you were to complain about it. So the next time she starts with her “God is great” speech, just picture her as Tammy Fae Baker with the mascara running down her face and have a good laugh about it (in your head, of course).